A book, a thought, a concept

I’ve been thinking about death a lot more these days. I haven’t thought of it so much in a long time and never like this. Actually, it’s not death, it’s dying.

A bit of backstory. I was 19 when I went into my first depressive episode after the death of my family dog. It was the first time in my life that someone close to me had passed away and so suddenly. I did lose an uncle to suicide years before that but I had not met him in years and by the time of his passing, I had no memories of him. I definitely had a lot more memories with Buddy – 11 years’ worth – and the love I had for him was unconditional in a way that has shaped my love for animals since.

I think one of the reasons why Buddy’s death hit me so hard was that the moment he passed, my grandfather had gone in for a major heart surgery, and my mother consoled me with the words, “maybe Buddy gave up his life for Nana Ji’s” and all I remember is being so angry that why did Buddy have to give up his life? Soon, thoughts of death, absence, and loss became almost obsessive for me.

I was so obsessed with the idea of death that I had convinced myself I won’t live to see myself turn 25. I will be turning 28 this year. It’s been a long journey of hurting myself over and over till I got to a place where hating myself was no longer a sensible option. I don’t see the appeal anymore.

I recently went to McLeod Ganj, Dharamshala on a short trip by myself and suddenly found myself amongst people who live a life of Dharma. To be honest, I don’t know the first thing about religion or spirituality or the cosmos. I do things as I feel like doing them. I became vegan because I wanted to and because it made sense to me. I don’t know what even Dharma is. However, one of the people I met there was Tenzin, a clinical psychotherapist turned vegan chef and café owner.

During the 4 days I visited his café, Tenzin greeted me with a smile and a “sure, Ria!” for every order I placed, yet despite his shyness, he always created space to listen and talk to me when I wanted to. Even though I told him to suggest a book on Tibetan culture or Buddhist practices, I have no idea what he saw in me that he handed me his copy of The Tibetan Book of Living & Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche. When I saw the title, I was intrigued but also skeptical. After all, I’ve lived and I’ve almost died many times, what can this book tell me?

I was wrong. Not only in my perception of the book but also in understanding the title. It doesn’t say “life and death”; it clearly states “living and dying”. This puts the concepts into processes. How these words are written and thought of, makes all the difference. It has changed the way I see these concepts. Life isn’t just happening to me; I’m living it. Death isn’t a surprise attack from the Universe; it’s part of life as we are dying with every breath we take.

I don’t think I can talk about the book till I’ve read it at least 5 times over. The book is not heavy or complicated in any way. But it is something that needs to be read and thought of and considered with a lot of conscious effort. As someone who has only ever read for entertainment or to run away from my reality, it is incredible how much this book is affecting me.

So yes, I’m thinking a lot more about dying recently but through these thoughts, I am learning to come to terms with what it means to live. And for all the talk about looking for inner peace, I can start by first understanding the noise in and around me.